Nindakache Ghar asave Shejari

 A Mumbaikar Parsi Orthopedic surgeon rarely professes to speak or understand fluent Marathi, but the title of my blog is not easily translatable. The literal translation is that your critic should be living in a house in your neighborhood. This phrase is attributed to the ancient Sant Tukaram held in high esteem. This was said many years ago and the context of this is not really known. The obvious meaning is to not be an egotistical person and be ready to not only accept but welcome criticism. Also to seek such persons and make them one’s neighbours. I have a feeling that contrary to this meaning this statement maybe a warning not to be surrounded by negative persons who are critical about everything you do. 

Very often in language meaning of a phrase is lost. As a saint from the lower strata of society probably in his time he became a critic of the Hindu caste system. But as a result of power asymmetry it is often found that one does not have the courage to say the truth and criticize the wrong one sees in a person who is your superior.

There are two qualities that are difficult to cultivate for most of us, and they are humility and gratitude. The main reason for the lack of both these is the presence of ego. Criticism is very important but the motive and the manner of criticism makes all the difference. If the motive of a critic is to humiliate and spoil the image of the person who is your competitor or who is a threat to you in your profession then such criticism is unjustified. However, if criticism comes from someone who cares for you and wants you to improve then it is something you accept with grace. The problem is to learn to differentiate justified criticism from the unjustified one. So, if one cultivates the qualities of humility and gratitude then one slowly but steadily develops the ability to analyze the criticism, introspect and act on the criticism to improve himself. In such a case one subsumes the ego and progresses in life. 

 The next question is to consider if one develops the ability to be self-critical does one need neighbors to play this role? The answer to the same is once more yes as even the highly spiritually evolved souls find it extremely hard to detach oneself from the body sense perceptions, mind and its emotions and lastly the intellect and it's thoughts. This makes genuine self criticism a very difficult thing to achieve.

All this is beautifully explained in the KathaUpanishad in the following verses

In the secret cave of the heart, two are 

Seated by life’s fountain. The separate ego
Drinks of the sweet and bitter stuff,
Liking the sweet, disliking the bitter,
While the supreme Self drinks sweet and bitter
Neither liking this nor disliking that.
The ego gropes in darkness, while the Self
Lives in light. So declare the illumined sages,
And the householders who worship
The sacred fire in the name of the Lord.

The battle of life is between the ego and the Supreme Self. The person who is humble and has subsumed the ego is able to take the dualities of likes and dislikes, pleasure and pain, criticism and praise and remain steadfast. 

May we light the fire of Nachiketa
That burns out the ego, and enables us
To pass from fearful fragmentation
To fearless fullness in the changeless Whole.

The fire of knowledge enables us to overcome fears arising from insecurity and a fragmentation arising from being affected by dualities and reach a state fearless fullness.

Also, this saying in some way seems to suggest the Law of Karma which seems to suggest that you will reap what you sow. So if one learns to offer constructive criticism then one is likely to receive the same. We are living in difficult times and people around us wear masks. They flatter on the face but criticize behind your back. This is often known as gossip. However, hard you try there are only rare persons who are not guilty of this fault. One has to be absolutely certain before saying something critical about anyone to anybody. Socrates talked of the three questions to ask oneself before one spoke? Is what you speak the sure truth or is it hearsay? Is what you say kind or good? and lastly will your utterance benefit anyone? If the answer to all three is no which is the usual case when one indulges in gossip then one must not perpetuate and spread gossip. This makes us think and introspect before opening one’s mouth to criticise.

If your motive to criticize is pure then your criticism will always be gentle and constructive and not unkind, hurtful and destructive. Criticism given in a spirit of love will always enhance friendship, deepen relationships and create a climate of improvement in both the criticizer and the criticized. 

 Destructive criticism comes from a place of envy and can sometimes, if coming from a loved one sap one's self confidence. It is important at such times to absorb the same and wait for the disappointment to pass as you know that it has come from a person who cares for you but has arisen from a state of anger and frustration. We must realize that all of us are born with our samskaras and the behaviors' of others will rarely match our expectations. So gratitude for the people we our surrounded by leads to kindness towards them. This leads to becoming one with all in the universe and acceptance which are the main factors to make one’s criticism kind and coming from a place of universal love. Maybe Sant Tukaram was asking for such kind critical neighbours. 

So dear reader I urge you to be my kind critical honest neighbour. The one who can give genuine constructive criticism to enable me to improve as a person and a blogger. 

Vispi Jokhi