When Harry met Sally Index

 Can man and woman be just friends? As you read this question how many can give a straight unequivocal answer? My answer given from my head is Yes but my heart says No. The movie in question is a delightful take on this question. The plot is based on Harry and Sally who are thrown together in the movie multiple times in their lives and slowly but steadily develop a fondness for each other. Yet right in the beginning of the movie Harry proclaims that a man and woman cannot be just friends without sex/physical attraction coming in the way. Sally takes an opposing view and tries to prove her point. Even as they are on an 18 hour road trip Harry almost pretends to set up a date with Sally by remaking that she was very attractive. Sally who knew Harry was dating a common friend strongly objected to the pass and made the argument that they could be friends but if Harry brought sex to the table their friendship was doomed. 

As the movie progressed it was itersperesed with stories of couples who swore unending devotion and love which remained steadfast through good and bad times. Harry and Sally went on meeting multiple times over 12 years and both were struggling with broken relationships. They found comfort and friendship yet they continued to keep sex and physical attraction out of the equation until it happenned one day when Sally called Harry over to comfort her when the finally she broke up with her ex husband. While they finally slept together consensually they were almost relieved the next day when they regretted the incident. But finally after more turmoil they became one and got married. 

For many of my classmates of the 1979 batch of MBBS students of Grant Medical College we were 18 and serendipity threw us into a cauldron where 200 of us from very different backgrounds. The identities revolved around gender, language, economic status, caste and education in co-educational schools vs boys/girls school. Without claiming to be an expert on mythology or history of ancient India, man woman relationship is one based on a mating ritual where males woo the females. This role is played by a show of strength or beauty or a calling mating sound or song. Women in some species take the lead and make their choices. The ultimate aim is sex and procreation in the animals, insects, birds and other creatures. 

Coming to gender differences, I have often wondered if left to nature without the forces of nurture would man be very different from a woman. I really do not know the answer, especially as we all say and accept that men have had a more favourable role of the dice than women in society. So men are priviliged and women are disadvantaged and in many societies especially when there is poverty and lack of education. But along with this men too have to live up to the stereotypical macho strong man image who cannot wear his emotions on his sleeve and makes him lonely and unhappy. 

This blog would be nothing if it was not experiential. Recounting our lives my memories go back to the fact that despite the story of ancient India being a liberal sociey where Kamasutra was considered a sex manual, most of us under colonial rule were subjected to Victorian norms where women were meant to be protected, covered, shy and sex was considered impure. So this repression led to boys remaining awkward and unable to relate to the opposite sex. Attraction was hormonal and physical infatuation rather than intellectual genuine friendship. My close friend was a guy who oozed charm and attracted girls to him like a magnetic pull. Yet when we asked him his famous answer was it's not what you think we are "just friends". At the same time in medical college many boy girl relationships blossomed into marriage. 

While this did not happen in my case there are many girls in medical college and women in later life who are friends and remain so. Age notwithstanding I think it is important that these relationships must have a base which transcends mere physical attraction but is a meeting of minds where both relate to the other as true friends, who will be there for each other when the chips are down. 

A simplistic study done based on the film When Harry met Sally was based on an analyses of same sex and opposite sex friends and called it the WHMSI (When Harry met Sally Index). So 0 stands for exclusive same sex friendship. 1 for near equal distribution of male and female friends. More than one for more friends of the opposite sex. I do not think much of this but the observation is that a high WHMSI suggests open liberal societies with high women participation in the work force. While the movie uses the Romantic Comedy angle I think life is not a formula and relationships are built on many complex factors. While we would like to believe that physical attraction should not be the sole reason for a lasting relationship, it is out there as Harry claims and cannot be discounted. But relationship based on the apparatus of body, mind and intelligence without an acknowledgement of the Universal consciousness cannot be the basis of true love. One must therefore rise in love rather than fall in love. 

While societal norms and conditioning prevent one from induging in promiscuity most males do look at most females with some kind of lust and the initial friendship starts by looking at the appearance. But intellectual friendships are possible without the angle of sex or physical attraction. At the risk of getting trolled the metaphor can extend to gifts or books where the packing or cover determines the decision to look at the gift or read the book. So in conclusion I agree with Sally that it is possible for men and women to be just friends without making sex the cornerstone of the friendship. However, if it ultimately ends up to become a genuine progression to sex then there is nothing to feel guilty about for in that case minds, intellect and consciousness meet before the body. 

So there is a case for platonic relationships and this comes straight from the acknowledgement of every person creature or life as a unified aspect of the single consciousness named Brahman, Soul, God, Lord, Allah, Ahura, Father or whatever name passes for this entity. While it is hard to achieve it can and should be the destination of true love.