Marriages are Magnified Mimetic Desires

Come winter and marriages will take place as an annual ritual, déjà vu events with the vows of unending fidelity and eternal love. While this happens the reality of more than 70% of such events ending in messy divorces is an ignored statistic. A question crossed my mind while witnessing the ceremonies of marriages is that is it possible that these over the top celebrations are a kind of assurance that the memory bank of the celebrations and the effort, expenses keep the marriages intact for as long as possible. The contract and institution of marriage is in reality a  commercial transactional contract with legal safeguards to ensure property and assets get transferred and remain within the family. 

Human behaviour is governed by a herd instinct and we are mostly living superficial lives conforming to societal norms without much questioning. Most of us take birth, play in childhood with toys and trinkets fulfilling our desires, and soon encouraged by adults learn to say my doll, my toy, my bed, my room etc. We go to school to get sorted out and quickly get compared to siblings and class mates. We try to climb up the ladder so that with a utilitarian education we become eligible for jobs and become the raw material for the marriage market. The most beautiful girl, most handsome boy, and the list of qualities are endless but conform to stereotypes based on what the majority or our contemporaries have. So as adolescents we have the physical qualities taking precedence and we literally fall in love. The hormones become super active and infatuations are interpreted to be true love. In adulthood we crave for name, fame, wealth and power. In old age we want respect, company and care. But at every stage it is desires that dominate and dictate life.

I think in the ultimate analysis the theory of Mimetic desires is what is real. The biggest romantic lie is that we are rational and sensible individuals who are able to make choices based on our legitimate reasonable desires. The reality is that the people around us, culture and many hidden forces determine what we want. Even as we may have made some rational choice but as soon as we see the other making a different choice we want the very same thing that the other has. This is called a mimetic desire. If we see certain gestures in a setting we will imitate the same in an effort to conform to the norm. It is not my case that we stand out as sore thumbs in all our actions. Original genuine actions and deeds of generosity will ultimately foster a true partnership. This kind of marriage based on love mutual respect and higher values can only come if there a higher plane of partnership based on what I call rising in love rather than falling in love. At every stage in life we always feel that what the others have is truly worth having whereas the reality is that we are always having eternal bliss.

Celebristan and Freshmenistan are the external and internal forces that compel mimesis. These two terms are borrowed from a book Wanting by Luke Burgis which talks of mimetic desires. In marriages too the desire to mimic celebrities and create destination weddings and spectacles dictate our external choices. Then the internal phenomenon of wanting to mimic the sibling friend and competitor means we will copy elements of dress, decorations, food, destinations etc. to mimic and create what has happened before. Social media and glare of the gaze of the world which is continous and unrelenting magnifies this manifold and creates unbelievable pressure. Most of this is a negative self destructive cycle but in rare instances a positive imitation like an impactful eco friendly practice can create a positive mimetic desire. So, in my humble opinion marriage is probably the largest magnification of Mimetic desire.It has become a fine art and an industry catering to every desire and creating more and more avenues of competitive waves of both Celebristan and Freshmenistan. The commonest reason for the celebration is that this comes only once and needs to be memorable. However, all memories fade and inevitably life goes on and we continue to follow the herd instinct. 

Living a life based on Advaitic Vedantic Principle of seeing one self in all and all in oneself cuts at the root of desire and allows for relationships based on higher principles and values devoid of expectations. But is this even possible in these times where everything is designed to stimulate and consume. A life lived in the fast lane is promoted and passing pleasure is what is chosen at the cost of lasting joy. Impossible maybe at present but eventually wisdom dawns and maybe a trend to simplify weddings and concentrate on pure relationships which go beyond institutional structures may take root.

So even as we enjoy the weddings, the hardest task will be to break convention and marry selflessly without making desire and particularly mimetic desire the keystone of a relationship. These are going to be the marriages which will be among the 5-10 % that last and stand the test of time. 

Vispi Jokhi