Dating Apps vs Meeting in Person
At the age of 63 this as a topic of a blog perhaps should hardly concern me. However, as a matter of reflection I understand that the times are a changing and on line transactional approach is becoming a norm rather than an exception and many of us are either adopting to it out of compulsion, convenience or the fear of missing out. Some of us are just merely wanting to experience the novelty of doing things differently. Before getting into the meat of this subject I think that I will try to touch upon the context of Indian society and India as a country. The urban rural divide, and even among cities the inter city differences will be considered. The problem of Patriarchy affecting women in general and the male societal expectations which are universal and not India specific will be analyzed. Then the institution of marriage vs short term or medium term unconditional relationships will be touched upon. Finally, the expectations of a relationship and how the inability to change leading to a breakdown of relationship or a continuation of a dead relationship will be dwelt upon. Finally the difference between on line and in person interaction will be analyzed in this context.
Indian Context
To my mind in the 80's and 90's India was a country of scarcity and limited options and exposure to the world. Indian society in those years especially for the middle and rich class was slowly being fed by exposure to Western society was seeing some exercise of free choice in matters of choosing life partners, this was an exception rather than a norm. As a society we were facing a kind of effect of the establishment of Victorian British norms and open expression of affection in public was frowned upon. While children remained children and in the beginning gender differentiation never crossed their minds the parents were conformists and the gender roles were assigned to the children. Men were considered the strong sex, who needed to be given a good education to prepare them for well paying jobs as they need to earn enough to care of the family in terms of physical and financial security. Women were considered home makers traditionally and their career and earning was a secondary income. While all this was fine, we had come along way from the times where women of my parents generation were denied education and were not allowed to venture out of the house. However, to this day female participation in the workforce in India remains quite low. Even as it rises, in many parts of India, night shifts and responsibility of child bearing and householder make life for women tougher than the male counterpart. The exceptional professional career woman is more likely to be made to sacrifice her career in the interest of saving the mans job.
Rural Semi-Urban Urban vs Metro divide
The unique feature of this vast country was the diversity and differences which were of such magnitude that it almost felt that there were parts of India which seemed to belong to the 19th Century and some areas which were almost futuristic reflecting modern trends. There seem to be the ultra orthodox trend pervading in the rural Northern India Hindi belt where the patriarchal society of women in a ghunghat, treated like a doormat or a domestic slave, married off based on the choice of parents who are literally using women to secure familial strategic alliances or in the poorer class based on the custom of dowry giving daughters to the family whose dowry demand is affordable. All this has resulted in female infanticide and skewing of the sex ratios. Some similar trend is seen in the ultra orthodox Tamil Andhra belt but in areas of high literacy the waves of reform are creeping in. However, Kerala is a different story and is matriarchal with liberal values favouring the female sex. The smaller towns and cities are increasingly influenced by social media and dating apps to start giving females more agency and rights than their rural counterparts. In Metros Bangalore, Mumbai, Delhi, Kolkata and Chennai in that order show the most liberal trends and girls tend to exercise free choice and control over their lives and desires than other parts of the country. The conversion of a date to physical sex happened in days in Bangalore, a week in Mumbai and a few moths in Delhi. This information is from a podcast I heard recently
Universal Gender Divide and Why it is still Work in Progress
I am not sure I have an answer to how much of the male female difference as ascribed to popular books like Men are from Mars and Women are From Venus is a result of inbuilt inborn differences based on nature or are these manifestations of nurture built on societal norms reinforced and thrust on genders by parents. Personally while the biological role of giving birth and nurturing a child in a womb lends a woman to be more caring in comparison to men who seem to be casual and cavalier about feelings this may not be entirely true. The consciousness that men and women bring in their lives is based on the inputs which come from within rather than societal norms. I am not ashamed to confess that I can easily empathize and tear up when I see cruelty, lack of compassion and injustice done. So does that mean that I need to change. Physical strength and machismo is not in every males nature and shyness and quiet demeanor is not part of every women's nature. Pink and blue colors have been so heavily ingrained in our consciousness that one rarely sees a man wearing a pink shirt. The taboos are falling and women are breaking the barriers and so are men doing the same. However, it is still a work in progress and the need to doll up look good for a girl and smarten up and create a dapper look for the boy and create a persona for attracting the opposite sex are essential and modern society for all it's changes is still quite primitive with regard to this aspect of gender expectations. The other problem of STEM (science technology, engineering and maths) education for men is also a problem which needs to be addressed. I certainly think this is an artificial differentiation and has no basis. Women in Engineering colleges and in traditionally male dominated specialities in healthcare like Orthopedics is on the rise reflecting the changing gender roles in society.
The Institution of Marriage
This has been a failing institute because of more reasons than one. While it has been a case of arranged marriages and tradition of dowry to help settle the man and boost support for him in his role of financial provider, the girl is expected to sacrifice education, career and desires at the altar of the marriage the boy can lord over women and treat them like doormats. I have always felt that this pressure to settle down and select someone suitable before it's too late is a burden on both the sexes and the phase where we meet persons with a view to create a persona suitable for marriage is not really good. The main problem is that one is awkward and on his or her guard seeking to project a favourable or unfavourable opinion. Even if arranged marriages are a gamble the marriages which occur based on false projections are not good too. However, the root cause of failure of marriages is ego and the failure to accept your partner with his or her perceived faults. Our problem lies in wanting our own way and when that does not happen going into the zero sum game of scathing criticism, going into events of the past which are reiterated ad nauseum results in difficulties.
Dating Apps vs Natural Relationships
A whole mindset shift is required for this to happen. Co Education schools with early sex education explained will go along way in reducing the awkwardness which many males and females express in daily life. An honest non transactional approach will lead to natural attraction, not put the burden of unrealistic expectations in a relationship. I feel that love in relationship must be pure, unconditional and lead to spiritual growth where one rises in love rather fall in love as we often hear the youth say so. Falling in love based on physical attraction and false images projected will very soon result in fall and broken relationships and divorces. I think this game of dating apps profiling and tactically trying to fool the notifications by creating wrong images is a case of beating the system to get a result but failing to get real fulfillment.
Same sex marriage and Live in Relationships
I have an opinion on same sex marriage which you may say is old fashioned but you are free to reject it. I consider such relationships unnatural as biologically the sex act was designed with specific male and female organs for enabling procreation and acts which do not result in the same cannot be accepted as natural. So I think that while I believe in the androgynous aberrations in some will result in confusion and such rare marriages maybe allowed after due medical examination but mere declaration of queer status should not be the basis of marriage.
My view on live in relationships is far more liberal than same sex marriage. But a connotation of emancipation and feminist twist is not what makes me feel right about this. I think if one has to share a life together and raise a family based on the societal institution of wedlock and parenthood it will be better to spend time together and live responsibly terms of exploring all aspects of life physical, emotional and intellectual before taking on the responsibility of parenthood. If the conversations do not click it will be difficult to make a relationship successful.
Conclusion: India is a complex country and a diverse society so while many principles hold, every relationship is unique and and every individual is made up of multitudes and changes and evolves with time. One can make incompatibility an issue which can break a relationship or one can turn adversity to opportunity and using the template of Maitree, Karuna, Mudita and Upeksha live a selfless life accepting one's partners and living for other based on true acceptance without expectation. Is this easy? I daresay no, but since when can one claim that it is easy to lead a spiritual life. If this in internalized relationships can survive all storms and upheavals. Dating apps are trivializing and gamifying relationships but if one understands this and instead of beating the algorithm looks to this as just a means to meet a companion with no selfish aim or agenda then anything can work. The Once upon a time Fairytale sart can become a beautiful ending as in they lived happily ever after.
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