What is right and wrong about Marriage ?

Homogenization of Marriages Ceremonies:

This is marriage season and every year I get invited to marriages. These invitatins are for marriges of children who are from close family, some from friends whose children are getting married, some from our own students and some from professional colleagues whose children are getting married. There is a sense of deja vous in most wedding functions and the attendance is reduced to a ritualistic meaningless marking of one's presence and meeting and greeting. Dressing up and travelling to the familiar venue becomes a task in itself cause that is what is needed to be noticed in a crowd especially for the extroverted pesonalities among us. Going up on stage, giving gifts and posing for a picture with the couple and congratulating the parents are the compulsory to do items. This is followed by finding some common acquaintances among the other guests or bumping into someone who has been long lost and catching up with them. Casual banter punctuated by starters and spirits is followed by sumptous dinner either sit down or buffet.Thanking the hosts if one is able to catch them free and departing home with a light head and heavy stomach. This is the standard template with variations across religions, cultures and socio-economic classes. 

Another thing noticeable in marriages today is the near complete outsourcing of hosting the event and engaging with guests to hired hosts. A VIP culture and a statement of power by the hosts results in fawning over important guests while leaving the rest to mfend for themselves and making them a statistic to shw large gatherings much like a politician basting of larger numbers at his gathering as compared to his opponents. The couple too are so concerned with their looks and poses that the religious ceremony is almost like a small side show to be simply done in fast forward mode with scant respect to the solemnity of the occasion. The infatuation and shallow pleasures derived from satisfaction of senses takes precedence over the importance of the event. Often couples spend hours on grooming and looking good leaving the common guests waiting for their arrival. 

Marriage as an Institution History and Need for Marriage:

I do not want to be very theoretical but just create a context of this social consruct based on some assumptions and some facts. As man progressed though the ages of hunter gatherer to agriculture and domesticity, the community tribal way of life gave way to a model of individual ownership and slowly but steadily this lead to the inheritance of property by procreation to the heir. So for all the lyrical fairy tale concept of everlasting love and of the saying "marriages are made in heaven", marriages are contractual arrangements created by man to take care of these problems of property and inheritance. Besides this the refnement of consciousness led to the formation of social relationships and structures like family, groups, communities, caste etc. All these needed to be formalized and marriages became an accepted institutional framework. The attraction of opposite sexes and the act of procreation became a reason to formalize such marriages. The next step was a change from polygamy or polyandry to monogamy. Today we are close to same sex marriages becoming legal. 

Arranged Marriages, Love Marriages Evolution:

Since this blog is a musing and an experiential blog I prefer to talk about traditional marriages seen in my life. My parents generation born and brougt up in a Victorian era in a conservative Indian society mostly saw arranged marriages as a norm. While the grand parents too were part of arranged marriages their marriage ages were lower and the number of kids were higher. The common part of arranged marriages, meant that strategy family status and a transactional approach dictated the choice of partners with no say given to the boy and the girl. Marriages were a matter of convenience and resulted in a thrusting of stereotypical roles ingrained on both the boy and the girl. The girl the shy demure housemaker and the boy the brash bold breadwinner. The female was the greater sufferer in this transaction as she needed to make a complete shift in location and culture. Besides due the requirement of dowry as a gift the boy's family often physically and mentally harassed the girl and her family. Child marrige was another social evil of the past but fortunately my grandparents and parents generation escaped this social evil. Being from the Parsi community, the relative prosperity and education led to one-two child families. As modern society progressed from agricultural domesticity to the industrial revolution the migration from rural to urban areas occurred mainly to improve one’s  socio-economic status. This resulted in a breakdown of joint families and the exposure of many to a more diverse and greater city population. The tight familial controls over marriage started loosening and the young started exercising free choice and slowly but steadily love marriages became common. Falling in love, love at first site became a fashion shaped by changed situation and aided and abetted by literature and films which portrayed them in feel good happily lived forever stories. 

Yet the paradox persists that love marriages see a greater divorce rate than arranged marriages. To add to the complexity society creates barriers in the name of caste and religion and such marriages are often looked down upon and destroyed by the bigoted fantical elements in society. Often to escape the wrath of parents and society the partners adopt the path of conversion to a more liberal religion. Social evils like ostracization of persons breaking norms, honour killings are seen in such cases. Elopement and the drama that follows is to say the least a tragic consequence of such pairings. 

Marriages today

My observation is that today marriages are done after long courtships and even live in relationships. Does that mean better compatibility and lower divorce rates? The evidence does not suggest so. To my mind marriages based on physical attraction, emotional attachment and intellectual rigidity in thinking are either doomed to failure or result in a marriage which remains intact on paper but is for practical purposes dead. The cliche of falling in love must be replaced by rising in love where the partners live without placing expectations of compatibility. If one accepts one's partner as he or she exists a bond of honesty, sharing and total trust is created. This may come early or gradually with maturity. To my mind as marriages mature the partners learn to go beyond self to put the other before self. Work life balance, joy of parenthood and responsibility leads to long lasting marriages. In an earlier blog the 4 Aces and Joker published in September last year I alluded to the quality of Gratitude for the spouse in my life. This reminder of gratitude will inevitably lead to kindness even in the face of any provocation. Both these lead to an authenticity in the relationship. Finally this leads to unconditional acceptance and all these four aces are enveloped by true unconditional love. 

In the last few months I have witnessed a few marriages, I wish them well and am cautiously optimistic about the fairy tale endings. The present condition of the world where the intellect has precipitously declined and attachment of a toxic kind based on conditioned consciousness of body senses, mind-emotion and intellect-thinking makes me despair. Life is a teacher and in the face of adversity humans can rise or fall. Marriages based on expectations and taking rather than detachment and giving are not likely to survive in the long term. 

Solutions:

Marriges should be an exercise of free will and not dictation by parents. Transactional motives must never be the basis of marriage. Compatibility must not be the requirement of a marriage. What is required is adjustment and accomodation. Rituals must be done in a proper way without going overboard. Ostentatious display of wealth by the rich create jealousy and this leads to the poor also spending amounts they can ill afford to spend. So moderation and working to create sound steady marriages is the key to happiness.

Marriages are not made in heaven, they are made on earth and with the impatient present generation mostly living material lives in the fastlane the institution of Marrige may need to be revisited and reinvented before it is dead. 

Even the great Socrates is known to have answered a query posed by his student about deciding to marry thus, " By all means marry, if you get a good wife you will be happy, if not you will become a philosopher". 

I would say that living unselfishly without expectations and always putting the other before oneself is state of true happiness. Therefore happiness and becoming a philosopher are not an either or choice as made out by Socrates but complement each other. 

This is my two paisa jnana. Take it or leave it.

Vispi Jokhi